It’s a beginner’s move to assume the Dbacks have them in the bag after five Coors rounds. Call me best newbie of the year.
I may have played Bloody Mary in my high school production of south pacific, But like Nellie Forbush, in some things, I’m a cocky, immature optimist and perpetually green. Take, for example, assuming that after five runs, our boys were in red to wear in the shade. I guess I haven’t been a fan of Dbacks long enough, or am content to wade into the depths of a river of denial. Maybe a little bit of column A, and a little bit of column B.
In any case. I had plans for this feed, and it all revolved around the wretched uniforms of the Rockies, which Steve and Bob told audience viewers it was based on a Colorado license plate. In fact, Dano noted that they resembled a motocross team that had stumbled upon a baseball game, and I agreed, adding that they resembled motocross mechanics. I was quite ready to call this summary “Kuhl Uniforms, Bruh,” but then the chit got kind of real in the bottom of the sixth, and even more sober on the bottom of the eighth, and then the Dbacks are, well, Dbacked, like we’re used to doing.
As Jack pointed out in the series preview, this game looked like it was shaping up to be a shooter duel between Zach Gallen and Chad Kuhl, and in the first few rounds, it definitely looked like that. Kuhl turned 1-2-3 at the top of the first, with Josh Rojas switching to Connor Joe, Alek Thomas switching to Elehuris Montero, and David Peralta flying to Charlie’s “Check out My Beard and My Creepy Walkup Music” Blackmon. The Rockies pulled off a hit one at the bottom of the first, with Yonathan Doza hitting a volley to Daulton Varsho in the right field, but other than that we saw Connor Joe shoot and take out Blackmon and CJ Cron.
The Dbacks managed some singles from Kuhl in the top second, courtesy of Varsho, Buddy Kennedy and Geraldo Perdomo; Thanks to a thrust by Cooper Hummel, Varsho got home, Hummel finished first, and Kennedy finished second. Jose Herrera flew into Daza, finishing the top of a second, but we were on the board. 1-0 DAPAX
The bottom of second and third was fairly quiet, with Galen marching with Brendan Rodgers, Ryan McMahon in the DP and Julio Iglesias lining up for Kennedy in second. The top of the third saw Rojas shoot and fly by Alec Thomas and Christian Walker, softened somewhat by a single drive on a sharp streak by David Peralta. Rocky’s third was 1-2-3, with Elias Diaz flying to Farcho, and Eliores Monteiro and Conor Joe knocking out “sharply,” according to MLB.com. The fourth was also a full beacon on the radar, as the teams were 1-2-3.
Then came the fifth and second Debaks, covered in chocolate, my totally unjustified belief in humanity and the baseball Dbacks went up to 11 when David Peralta beat Homer in the Grand Slam, bringing in Herrera, Rojas, Thomas, and of course himself. Next time, I’ll remember eating veggies and listening to the clever folks in the comment thread, who wisely pointed out that, you know, mebbe wouldn’t go five runs for Dbacks, especially not in Coors, where the air is so thin that my mum-phobic grandmother Too much fat would have prompted her to eat a burger. But for the rest of Season 5, especially since the Rocky Mountains were basically swaying (McMahon walked; Rodgers grounded, Jose Iglesias came out to force, McMahon sent into the bunker, and Elias Diaz stopped too), I was content to metaphorically eat 4th of July sweets like pie Apple and Cool Whip. 5-0 DAPAX
Robert Stephenson and his mustache were brought in to replace Kuhl at the top of the sixth and were promptly given the hook for Lucas Gilbreath. Kennedy lined up to Blackmon. Cooper Hamill Singles. Giraldo Perdomo arrived first in the selection of his players. Herrera flew to Daza. Rojas was called to strike. Oh, yeah, and there was this weird action in third place, with Hummel stealing and Colorado defying the call because Hummel…hit the ball under the third baseman’s glove? This was incorrect, but the call stopped. Perdomo also managed to steal second place. Sounded pretty good to us, except, well, it kind of didn’t happen.
Gallen was still ahead at the bottom of sixth, which is probably the reason we slipped, in all-out ways. Things seemed to be, well, okay at first, with Montero’s single, Joe Lined Up, Daza’s Song, and Blackmon being called into action. And then we had what a few intrepid members of our group described, in the comments, as the return of Crohn’s disease. (Don’t look at me; I said it to Dano in the privacy of our living room.) CJ Cron jeered on a volley to left center field, bringing home Montero and Daza. Suddenly, as Dano pointed out, the game became fun, sort of “hope you have fun times.” Rodgers lined up for Farshaw, but the damage was done. 3-5 DAPAX
The Dbacks got two Gilbreath singles at the top of seventh, thanks to Thomas and Christian Walker, but Peralta slipped in a double game and Varsho was called into the strikes. Joe Mantiply, aka Mantiply Joe, replaced Galen at the bottom of season seven, and did the job fairly well, with the Rockies only getting one thanks to Iglesias (McMahon and Montero flew out; Diaz came out “quiet,” TM MLB .com).
The word Bird was at the top of the eighth day, with Jake Bird in Gilbreath. He turned 1-2-3, keeping Kennedy and Perdomo away from Hummel. And then our old friend Ian B. Kennedy replaced Mantiply, and the Handbasket Express went straight to hell. And not for the usual reasons, this time – somehow, Ian B. Kennedy from injuring himself, and Noe Ramirez was around. Sadly, Daza got a song from Ramirez, as did Blackmon, then Crone (CROOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!)! Kyle Nelson immediately replaced Ramirez and managed to get two more, but okay. 6-5 Rockies
Daniel Bard was in Jake Byrd’s place at the top of the ninth (how cool – the poet took on the birdie job), and he hit the Kettle-Mart. Rojas doubled down, and purposely cold walked into Peralta, which I don’t suppose I can blame him for, but it was bad news for us. And because that’s how we do it, the rules are loaded, Farshaw has been discontinued, and thus the game is ended. 6-5 Rocky Final
CoTG goes to Jim McLennan, and not just because I’m mentioned in it. Maybe next time, I’ll win, to paraphrase Lisa nightclub:
Bells and whistles added, courtesy of DANO
Baked potatoes loaded in Longhorn Steakhouse: David Peralta (4 AB, 2 H, 1 R, 1 BB, 4 RBI, 1 GS, + 16.2% WPA)
Wendy’s Broccoli and Cheese Fries: Daulton Varsho (5 AB, 1 H, 1 R, -27.3% WPA)
Burger King French Fries: Noi Ramirez (0 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 1 HR, 3 ER, 1 faceplant off the mound, -69.4% WPA)
Join us at Chase tomorrow, when MadBum takes on his old house team, the Giants, and Dano and I eat it with a batch of swordfish and fresh fruit, just like you do.
As always, thanks for watching, and as always, Go Dbacks!