s: My partner and I started our relationship as a polygamous – he already had a primary partner. I thought I needed a lot of time to myself anyway and that Single polyandry relationship type It will suit me well. At the time, I didn’t know they had problems as a couple. I wasn’t his first non-core partner. Over time, our relationship deepened and I wanted to meet his primary partner. I started texting her, but our communication wasn’t very healthy and at some point, I decided to cut off contact with her because I felt emotionally abused by her. Later, they took a break from their relationship. In the end, he decided to end his relationship with her and pursue a monogamous relationship with me.
He still lives with her (in separate rooms). He can’t talk much at home because sometimes she comes and knocks on the door to tell him she doesn’t want to hear us talking. He doesn’t want her to feel bad, so he sometimes calls me while he’s back home and then hangs up before he gets home. He’s leaving soon, but I can’t stop worrying that he’d like to stay in touch with her and be close to her without giving himself time to heal. He told me he was sad because she said she would not visit him in his new place. Part of me wants to escape from this relationship, and part of me wants to stay and see where it goes, but the triggers and fears are diminishing my mental health. Do you have any suggestions? I generally have trust issues early in a relationship and have never been with someone who has an unfinished business, as my previous partners were monogamous.
a: I think you already know the answer to this, and that the answer is bad. I say this because of a specific clause that I wrote: “Troubleshooters and fears reduce my mental health.” No relationship on earth is worth taking the damage to your mental health.
Now, there is of courseAnd the Events that occur in a relationship may harm our mental health. Big events like your health or your partner’s health change drastically. Or one of you loses his job. or experiencing fertility. There are also smaller events such as one of you crushing on a co-worker or your partner buying an expensive item without your consent or general disapproval one day may also change how well you do. It’s not that your partner won’t have a zero effect on your health. Of course they will! However, the hope is that if you have a ledger where you can magically see if being around someone makes you feel better or worse, they will come out in black. But if the relationship Itself It causes your overall mental health to suffer, and this is the reddest red flag.
Personally, I think you’re worried for good reason! This seems like an unfortunate start to a loving and trusting relationship. The beginning of a relationship should be fairly easy, honestly. It should be easy to love someone early on before you get to the really hard stuff like a basement flood, your dog dying, and your mother-in-law meddling in your sex life. This is the time when love should flow like honey. Right now, your love is running as well as the McDonald’s ice cream machine. Let me walk you through all the reasons I think you should be concerned.
I strongly support non-monogamy in its many and varied forms. Monogamy is not the only right way to have a relationship! I don’t think any of the problems stem from polygamy itself, however, I think your partner did dealing with it His relationships were and still are very poor. First, it’s not great that you feel emotionally abused by his primary partner and that he stayed with her (and you). He’s clearly not responsible for his former primary partner’s behavior, but it definitely seems like this wasn’t instantaneously spoiling the deal for him, because you said “later” they took a breather and he finally decided to end things. If my partner was emotionally abusive to one of my other partners – or anyone else – it would be an immediate deal breaker. Just being mean to someone would be a strong and tough rejection.
Of course, I’m not entirely sure what he knew – he probably didn’t know anything about how you treated you. but that This scenario also interests me because it means you didn’t feel like you could comfortably communicate with him. If you feel like you can’t be honest with someone, this is not a good candidate for a partnership. and thenAnd the He continued to live with his former primary partner, which is understandable and often unavoidable for financial and logistical reasons. However, he doesn’t have to stay near her! You can be a friendly roommate with your ex until the lease ends without staying in close contact. On top of continuing to talk to her, he’s clearly prioritizing her comfort and needs above yours. Now, maybe that’s because he feels guilty for “leaving her” and “choosing” you. (I’m putting it in quotes because that’s probably the frame he’s using in his mind because it’s less generous framing. He totally needed to break up with her.) If there was nothing else in this message other than I don’t talk to you on the phone when he’s home, I would suspect that This is a nice guy who tries to make his ex-partner feel as little pain as possible before he moves on. but not! This is emotionally hurtful (to you) from his ex and He tells you that he feels sad that he won’t be able to see her very often after he leaves. He shouldn’t have seen her at all! Zero times! Maybe once to grab the lucky SpongeBob boxers who accidentally left him in her house, and that’s it! He shouldn’t want to see this person, and if he does, he should definitely not express that desire to you or act on it. He must be careful To cut that person out of his life.
You don’t mention it here, but I hope you two have talked extensively and poorly about why you are making the change to monogamy from polygamy. It’s not like I think everyone in a poly relationship will be until the end of time. All partnerships are different and require their own rules and expectations. But it’s not like he’s gone from a polyamorous relationship with someone else to a monogamous relationship with you. He has gone from a polygamous relationship with you to a monogamous one. This is a huge transformation! You both need to talk about boundaries and expectations in your new relationship, and frankly, this guy’s behavior in your letter gives me a little bit of confidence that he’s good at talking about and sticking to these things.
He is a messy, messy person, who acts as if he has no control over his life and actions. He refuses to set or impose boundaries that will help or help you or your current relationship. On top of that, he jumps from one relationship to the next without stopping to assess what might have gone wrong in the first relationship and what might need changing. I don’t have good things to say about people who go from one relationship to the next. almost always portends disaster.
I think all you put in your post is that it shows you exactly who he is – and I think you should believe him. You should treat him with his words and actions and trust that he will continue to talk to and care for the people who hurt you. Which, by the way, is bad. You never need a reason to break up with someone, but you have plenty.
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